Trans Notes

Resources for coming out

Coming out is hard, and I feel like coming out as trans is doubly hard. Expressing to others who you are attracted to is a very personal thing... and then you add on top "hey, my gender identity isn't what you think it is!"

I've come out to many different people in different contexts, and I learned a lot about the process along the way. This page contains my collected knowledge, earned from "successes" and "failures."

Safety First

Before you come out to anybody, you need to think about your own safety. There are a number of different aspects of safety to consider:

Am I safe from physical/emotional retaliation? - if you're talking to someone who might be bigoted enough to hurt you, take that into consideration. It may impact the place and time you choose to come out - ie, putting some distance between you. You may also need support after the talk for one reason or another, so arranging for that can be important.

Do I rely on this person? - if the person you're coming out to controls some aspect of your life (ie, a parent, someone you live with, someone who supports you financially) it's important to understand how they might react and how that could change your life. You might have to stay "in the closet" to avoid being kicked out and/or disowned. Or it might help to get in contact with other people who could support you in case

Living in the closet isn't fun. It's stressful to have to hide your identity. But priority one is survival.

Deciding who to come out to

When I made the decision to come out, I worked out a strategy based on "circles." I started with a very close friend that I felt confident would react well and would be supportive. After I told him, I waited a bit, and then told another friend. The week after, I told 2 more friends.

I kept slowly expanding the circle, week after week, until I was ready to tell my extended family. And then once that settled, I felt ready to tell the people I work with, and finally I felt comfortable being fully out in public.

Each "expansion of the circle" included more people than the previous, and the pace allowed me to get more and more comfortable with handling people's reactions.

I was also building a support system in the "inner circles" - people who had already had time to ask questions and get comfortable with the information I'd shared. As the risk of people reacting badly increased, (both because I was telling more people, and because those people were further away from me) so did the size and stability of my support network.

Testing the Waters - "Pre" Coming Out

It can sometimes be difficult to predict how a person is going to react when you come out as transgender.

If you're not sure, [The Trevor Project]((https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/guide/the-coming-out-handbook/) lists some ways to test the waters:

  • Asking how they feel about an LGBTQ+ celebrity
  • Asking how they feel about marriage equality
  • Listening to their words: Do they put down LGBTQ+ people? Do they invoke LGBTQ+ stereotypes?
  • Noticing how they handle difficult emotional events, which can help you guess what reactions to be ready for.

I also like talking about a pretend friend/classmate/coworker who is trans and who just came out to me. What's the reaction? If I mention I'd like to support them and don't know how, what ideas do they have?

Coming Out!

Okay, the anxiety inducing part. You know who you're coming out to, and you've made sure that all appropriate safety precautions have been taken.

In person? Or not so much?

When it comes to the format, there are a bunch of different ways. Telling people in person is straightforward, but can be difficult in the moment. It's also one of the riskier ways if you're afraid of retaliation.

I'm a big fan of coming out via text or email. It gives you a chance to sit and think about what you want to say, you can send a message to any number of people at once, and it can give people some room to breathe between getting the news and having to respond.

If that feels too impersonal, a hand-written letter can be a good compromise.

In my email to my extended family, I told them to take a day before replying. I knew that this was going to be a shock, and I didn't want them to feel like they needed to respond immediately.

What to say...

I suggest starting with "Hey, I've got a serious subject to discuss - I'm transgender."

Yeah, it's obvious. But a lot of people get caught up in preparing the person to receive the information and lose track of the message. There's only so much cushioning you can do here. And the more you do, the more anxiety you're going to have, and the more obviously uncomfortable you're likely to become.

Be blunt! Get it out there!

After you drop the big news, be ready for questions. I started just covering them right afterwards, but if you don't, expect to have to talk about some really personal things.

  • You might need to clarify "transgender" - I will usually follow up with "I was assigned male at birth, and I'm transitioning to live as a female." Although it sounds weird, it may not be obvious to people who didn't know you as a baby!
  • Set expectations about what you want to be called. You don't need to know your new name, and you might be still uncomfortable changing pronouns, and that's fine. You are likely going to have to be patient with people who may be used to calling you by your old name. That can be hard, but understanding when mistakes happen goes a long way.
  • If you're in a relationship and/or have kids when you're coming out, plan on being asked about how this impacts them. Coming out to my father-in-law especially was hard; he was worried for his daughter!
  • You will probably be asked if you're going to have surgery, and details on what's in your pants. There are a lot of people who associate "transgender" with "sexual reassignment surgery" even though a large portion of the transgender population doesn't go that route.
  • Set boundaries on who else can know. For instance, when the circle was small, I asked people to keep it private. As it grew, I said people could tell family and friends, but don't post it on social media. I have to occasionally check back in with my "inner circle" as the "outer circle" grows, so that they know who knows.

Remember that you don't have to know everything, and that some things are none of anyone's business. You can say "I don't know yet" or "I'd rather not discuss that" if it makes you feel more comfortable!

Post-Out Support

After coming out, plan on big emotions. Whether it goes well or it doesn't, you're going to feel some way about it. It might be relief, or euphoria, or fear, disappointment, etc.

Another good reason to space out your first few people is so that you have time to recover.

It may sound strange, but as I come out to more and more people, I spend more time afterwards supporting them instead of seeking support myself. If you think about it, it makes sense - I've got more practice coming out, so it's less stressful for me. But for them, it's brand new. In some cases, I may be the first trans person they know, or the first one they knew both pre- and post- transition.

I've had several conversations where I know the other person is very uncomfortable. They don't know what to say, or they're afraid they have offended/will offend me, or some variation on that theme.

I try to say things like "thanks for your support!" even if they haven't really done anything yet. Or if they get uncomfortable about remembering new name/pronouns, I tell them that I'm very relaxed about it. "I'll only get offended if you try to offend me" is one way I've put it. I've even gone so far as to say "You're taking this very well!" or "I know, this feels very strange, I understand!"

Of course, your comfort level in these situations is the first priority. But I find being understanding and letting the other person feel comfortable overall strengthens the bond with the other person, and they're more likely to go out of their way to make things easier for me in the future.

Other Important Resources