How do I survive my dysphoria?
How do I survive this dysphoria?
There are many people who have to live with knowing they are trans and wanting desperately to transition, but can't right now for one reason or another. Even just one person in this situation is too many, but the number of people I see living with this despair is heartbreaking.
When I interact with these people, I can feel the pain in their words. They're forced to endure a condition that they know there is a cure for, and they're ready to accept it.
You don't think you can do it
If this was a superhero movie, you'd be at the part when the hero has been captured, and their powers somehow nullified. They're chained up, unable to do anything but watch as the evil plan unfolds before them. Hopeless music swells, and tears of despair roll down their cheeks.
But the thing is, we know how this movie ends - it always ends the same way. Something about the situation changes - whether it's the unexpected arrival of allies, the evil plan backfiring, or just the indomitable will of the hero themselves - and suddenly, the balance of power shifts. The hero rises up, and becomes the person that we know they've always been. Their strength returns, and the obstacles in their way feel meaningless; trivial.
The process may have changed them, but in the end, they rise above and are victorious.
That's where you are right now. You're locked up, your true self hidden. You feel powerless, worthless, not strong enough to lift a finger. But if you can stick out the pain you're going through, you beat it. Every time. It seems impossible, but then your friends support you and lend you strength. Or your situation changes, and you're just a little bit more free. Maybe you just endure the impossible pain through sheer force of will and make it through.
Whatever the way you end up winning, you still win. Everybody watching you knows this. We know it because we see that power inside you - it's the same power inside all of us. You see it and acknowledge it in other people, even. You just can't see it in yourself.
Do it because...
Do it so you can laugh at the haters. There are a ton of people who wish us ill. They say we're not worthy of rights. We're immoral. If something bad happens to us, they laugh and say "that's what you get." They consider us "less than." You know what? Screw all of those assholes. Rise up, and show them what they're missing by treating us like garbage.
Do it because we need you. We need to hear your story. So many times during this process, hearing someone else's story kept me going. Knowing that I wasn't alone was priceless. We need your voice, too. Taking back our place in society and the respect we deserve isn't going to be easy. We need you in our communities. There's nothing better than finding "your people" and that feeling of calm and relief that comes with it. There's a chair for you here, as well!
Do it for those that come after. Nobody should have to suffer like this. Right now, millions of people are standing up for people like us. Someone stood up for me, and showed me that it was okay to be trans, and that I was going to be okay. Their existence made mine possible. Now I stand for you. I'm going to go out into the world and be an example. Let my strength and confidence give you a little nudge. Let it combine with everyone else's to become a wave of reassurance. When the time is right, you'll stand with us, too.
Most importantly, do it for future you. You are protecting and incubating future you, right now. Just by surviving, you're doing such a great job! It's not time for future you to be born yet, and they aren't quite fully formed. But if you put the work in - if you take care of the "now" version of you - they will thank you for it. What does that version of you want to look like? Are they in good health? Do they have a body that's been cared for and loved? Every time you do something to take care of yourself, you're showing them love, too.
In the meantime...
Take care of yourself. It's hard to do when you're sitting in a funk of depression and self hate, but you can still do it. Don't worry as much about the long term - focus on survival for now, if you can.
Basic self care (that actually helps)
Take the time and energy to do simple things that bolster your mental health. Some examples include:
- Keeping on top of your hygiene - take showers, wash your hair, brush your teeth, etc
- Drink water! It's important, really!
- Get good sleep when you can
- Eat healthy - avoid junk food and try not to over or under eat
- Journal - write down how you feel (good and bad) and keep your finger on the pulse of your feelings about your gender
- Exercise - even 30 minutes a few times a week can make a big difference
Set goals that you feel comfortable achieving. They could be related to physical fitness, or weight loss, or learning skills, etc. Anything you can do to prepare for "future you" is worth your time.
Half-assing these things is also fine. Can't walk for 30 minutes? Do 15. Can't take a full shower? Just sit in the water for a bit, and rub some soap on yourself.
Get professional support for your mental health
If you can, get access to mental health support. Find a therapist and/or a psychiatrist. Get treatment if you start to show signs of depression.
They include, but are not limited to:
- Feeling sad, empty, or hopeless
- Loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities
- Significant changes in sleep (insomnia or oversleeping)
- Significant changes in appetite (weight loss or gain).
- Low energy or fatigue
- Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
- Feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt
- Irritability or agitation
When looking for mental health support, try to find someone that aligns with your worldview. For instance, I'm not particularly religious, and a lot of religious folks in my area are anti-LGBT+. So they're going to advise me to pray to get rid of my transgender identity. That's not going to work for me!
I prefer therapists who practice "cognitive behavioral therapy" (CBT) and EMDR. I ask questions during our first session to establish how they feel about LGBT+ issues. I make sure our values and beliefs are at least mostly aligned.
There are bad mental health support people out there, and there are medications that aren't going to work for you. Don't give up! Mental health is important and what works for one person isn't going to work for everyone.
You got this!
I know I can't positively motivate you out of being depressed and repressed. I've been where you are, and I know the suffering. If I could say these words to my past self, I would. I know you're fighting. It's cliche to say "it gets better" - but it does. Please don't give up!