What should I tell people who want to "support" me?
When I come out to people, one of the first things they ask is some variation of "How do I support you?" It's a loaded question, and I've often avoided answering it. But I think it's an opening to fight misinformation and disinformation about trans people.
Do you trust this person to provide actual, meaningful support?
All trans people are humans. (*citation needed). Humans need support sometimes. If this person is in your closest circle of friends or family, and is someone you trust, then the answer to this question might be "I need to be able to talk to you about this."
Being trans is hard, and transitioning is also hard. Sometimes you are going to need to talk to people. I find myself looking for support when my body isn't doing the thing I want it to be doing, or when people aren't treating me the way I think they ought to.
Your support system needs to be varied. Ideally it consists of people with a variety of points of view, who can be there for you at different times in different ways.
If not, what support can this person actually provide?
I've also gotten this question from people I don't trust as much with these topics. Some of these people have expressed anti-LGBT+ views in the past. I know people can change, and I want to believe that having a transgender person in their life can be a catalyst for changing their opinion about LGBT+ people in general. If they're earnest about providing support, I want to take advantage of that if I can.
I've been working on some things to ask this type of person for:
There are a lot of messages - repeated frequently - that paint transgendered people in a bad light. I won't say that every trans person is a perfect human being who never makes mistakes. However, these messages often take one or two examples involving a bad person, and then use that brush to paint an entire group of people as an enemy. It isn't just trans people this happens to, but since you're offering support to me, we'll focus on them.
Over time, these messages accumulate. While you may not notice it, and you may have the restraint not to act on these messages, not everyone does. Each time someone hears about "transgendered people" doing something bad, there's a tiny chance - tiny, but not zero - that it will lead to something bad happening to a trans person. And in the aggregate, laws and policy change as a result of these negative messages. People start believing that entire groups of people aren't worthy of the same rights as others.
So here's what you can do to support me:
- If you hear people talking negatively about transgendered people, speak up. Remind them that trans people are overwhelmingly good people who deserve the same rights and respect as any other person.
- If you are getting news or an opinion - from a TV show, website, social media, blog, etc - and the news carries a negative message about trans people, stop. Take a time-out from that source of news or opinion. Ask yourself what other messages and information they are supplying you with. If you go back and the anti-trans messaging continues, stop listening to them.
- Remember that I'm not just "one of the good ones" and that the default for trans people is "good" - just like almost every other group of people on the planet. Knowing me personally doesn't make me an exception.